Jeff's Place

Thanks to my Aunt Jacquie for sending me the following:

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned.. Couldn’t concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn’t suited for it mainly
   because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn’t have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it…
   couldn’t cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn’t noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn’t have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn’t fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income.
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian – until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED Retirement AND FOUND I’M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

Sometime this year,  we taxpayers will again receive another ‘Economic
Stimulus’ payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program,  and I’ll explain it by
using a Q & A format:

Q.  What is an ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment ?
A.  It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q..  Where will the government get this money ?
A.  From taxpayers.

Q.  So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A.  Only a smidgen of it.

Q.  What is the purpose of this payment ?
A.  The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set,  thus stimulating the economy.

Q.  But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?
A.  Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by
spending your stimulus check wisely:

• If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart,  the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .
• If you spend it on gasoline,  your money will go to the Arabs.
• If you purchase a computer,  it will go to India , Taiwan or China .
• If you purchase fruit and vegetables,  it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..
• If you buy an efficient  car,  it will go to Japan or Korea ..
• If you purchase useless stuff,  it will go to Taiwan .
• If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead,  keep the money in America by:

1. Spending it at yard sales,  or
2. Going to ball games,  or
3. Spending it on prostitutes,  or
4. Beer or
5. Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard
sale and drink beer all day !

No need to thank me,  I’m just glad I could be of help.

(Thanks to Brian Hurley for forwarding this to me!)

If you know anything about boats and outboard motors, you know the name Johnson.  Unfortunately, Johnson outboards are no longer manufactured.   The following commercial for Johnson outboards is simply hilarious.  Those were simply more innocent times.  If you don’t get the joke, well then, God bless your heart!

In a recent Yankees/Mariners game a fan was bumped into by Ichiro Suzuki while he was trying to catch a foul ball.  The young lady gets slightly worked up about it.  The best thing about this clip is the voiceover by Jay Onrait.  Too funny!

UPDATE: The video that I had originally linked to was taken down due to a copyright infringement issue.  The video is still up at LiveLeak so you are still able to see it in it’s entirety.  Hopefully, this one will stay live for longer than the last!

You might be a redneck if you can identify with any of the items in the gallery: